Today I am going to share what has been happening with my life as a mom. For those that may read this and wonder why I am sharing these kinds of things on my blog for anyone to read, it is because I know I am not the only one these things happen to. Sharing here helps 1) me by letting it out and 2) others who have had similar situations because it helps to know we are not alone.

In August of 2013 Hubby and I asked (told) our son to leave. I could not ever have imagined I would do that, I love my son more than anything, but it was necessary. T has a lot of “stuff” and he could not follow the biggest rule of all in our house which was to be respectful to his parents. He was on his own for about a year and really struggled. He had moved in with his girlfriend and her parents but that wasn’t a great situation and then the entire family had to move. Hubby and I decided we would try and let him come back home thinking maybe he had learned a bit in the past year. Not only did we let him come home in August of 2014, but we let his girlfriend come with him. I also never imagined I would be “that mom” who let a teenage son have a teenage girlfriend live with them in their home. But whatever, it was what we felt was the best decision at the time.

We met with them before they moved back. Gave them a printed list of rules we expected them to follow, how much “rent” they had to pay (we actually just saved it for them), and what chores we expected them to do around the house. I never expected them to be perfect, no one is, especially teens. But they kept having issues. We would have another family meeting. They promised they would do better. They did do better for a week or so. Then back to the same problems. Finally a month ago there was a big event that went way out of bounds of the rules and I gave them a 30-day notice to move out.

So for the past month things have been more stressful than usual. I have been trying so hard to just let things slide and keep things calm until March 5 came, the move-out date. T has been stressed out about the move this entire time which only fuels his temper and his bipolar and anxiety which he refuses to take medication for. I understand his stress – there is more going on than I am even sharing. BUT it is so hard to be a mom and watch your child being upset and trying to help, but only help so much because they have to learn too. Unfortunately he has been really “not nice”, and that is being extremely kind, to me the last couple of weeks.

Today was moving out day. Hubby even took a day off of work, unpaid, to help them move since he has a truck. Just like last night, there was lots of stress, lots of yelling from T, lots of tension in the house, plus today lots of noise. Things being moved, him being upset and slamming things around, him yelling.

I ran out to pick up lunch for everyone between trips to their new place. While we were eating Hubby was trying to offer T some suggestions about getting his car fixed (yep, it’s broke down in the middle of all of this too). T had a hard time listening and Hubby had a hard time understanding T was having trouble. I asked them both to stop it. T got up and went into his room and started throwing things around again. I walked in and very calmly asked him to please settle down and not throw things. He started yelling at me. I said, very firmly, SHUT UP. His response….FUCK OFF.

I walked away.

I went to my bedroom. I stayed there until after they left.

Once again, my son moving out did not end on a positive note. I hate that those were his last words to me.

I do know that deep down T really loves me. Really, I do.

The mommy in me wants to protect him. The mom in me wants him to understand and learn and be responsible. It is so super hard to balance those two things.

I have my own “stuff” too. It is something I am continually working on with my therapist. I’m sure my “stuff” contributed to some of T’s “stuff”. Therapists that are awesome at their job are worth their weight x 1000 in gold by the way!

Hubby also has his own “stuff”. (Stuff is the word our therapist uses – we use it a lot in our own talking now too.) This means that it makes it hard for Hubby to be supportive of me, right now, when he is upset. It’s a very tangled web.

So, what do I do? Well, last night I went on Facebook and Twitter and asked my friends to send hugs. Even though not the same as physical hugs, those kind words and virtual hugs really can help so much. I also called my cousin – who is more like a little sister to me – and talked to her. I cried to her really, but she understood. It helped. Today I’m trying to take care of me, to walk away from the stress when I can.

I will be okay. I do know that, but it doesn’t make it any easier right now.

On top of that, I was supposed to go to the Midlife Bloggers Conference this weekend but weather is preventing me from attending. I could have used that break!

But I will be okay.

T and his girlfriend are now at their new place (with one of her family members). I hope they will be okay. I still love my son more than anything else in the world but I know I cannot do everything for him. I have to let him make mistakes and learn from them. I know he will eventually apologize to me. I will accept his apology.

I will be okay.

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P.S. I will be adding to the Kleenex fortune during this process. Man I can cry a lot of tears!