Sadness

A few weeks ago I shared the latest on my son moving out. I said life is hard but I will be okay and I meant it, but I am wondering if the heartache will ever really heal. I heard from so many of you about your own experiences with your children – teens and young adults – and how the situations improved as they got older. Hearing all of your stories was really helpful to me. It always is nice knowing you are not alone. This is why I share my story here on my blog too.

That being said…

I’m still feeling heartache.

I love my son so very much and it just truly hurts my heart with the way our relationship is right now. Tough love is necessary I know but it is so very hard. There is nothing I want more than for him to be happy and successful in life. I know he has the capability to do this, but he is just not “there” yet. I get it – he is at an age that almost everyone is still trying to figure life out. As his mom I want to help him but I can’t fix everything for him, he has to take responsibility for his own life and actions.

Last week I had to turn off his cell phone account and his girlfriends. Ugh. I so did not want to do this because even though he is not on great terms with me it was a way for me to communicate with him. We had an agreement for him to pay $20 a week for their phones and I even helped them set up an automatic payment to me for it with their bank. I got one payment that way. Then nothing. I tried to be patient because he was not working and the girlfriend was in transition with job, his car was broke, she had no car, and they had just moved out of our house and in with a member of her family. I waited and didn’t say anything. One week they asked if they could skip the payment because of needing to buy uniforms for work – I said okay. At least they told me something. But then, nothing. So finally last week I decided I had to stick with my agreement and turn the phone lines off.

…I feel more disconnected from him than ever…

That heartache just seems to get deeper rather than healing. There is something about heartache that is about your child that does not compare to anything else that ever happens. As a mom I want the very best for him and I want him to understand that all that I do is to help him have the best. Part of that best is letting him grow and develop into the amazing man I know he can. Nothing I do is to hurt him…ever…ever…ever.

The ache in my heart I feel because of the way he feels towards me right now is just unbearable.

I saw him on Easter for a few minutes. We took some of the things he still had at our house down to him. I tried to make small talk but his answers were curt. I gave him an Easter basket – because that’s what moms do. Before I left I told him, “I love you” – because that’s what moms do. His coldness is just so hard to handle for me.

Does the heartache ever heal?

Robyn