What I realized in therapy yesterday...  |  RobynsOnlineWorld.com

Most of you know I am a big believer in therapy. My family and I have been seeing one for quite some time. We started going as a family for my son when he was little and went both as a family, just him, sometimes son and I, sometimes Hubby and son. Our current therapist (there have been several over the years) is my favorite. Therapy can be really hard, but in a good way. She is the one who told us that we cannot fix the family “system” unless we work on our individual “stuff” first.

Many of my friends have tried therapy but have been disappointed that it just seems like venting to someone about their problems. This is not the right kind of therapy in my opinion. My therapist really helps me dig dip and find out about the trauma that I have in me. Trauma does not have to be something super terrible like being abused though either – I did not suffer from that, but everyone has some sort of trauma that impacts them as adults.

Yesterday at therapy was one of those days that we didn’t go super deep, but I had a revelation while I was there. Now my revelation is something that my therapist has been telling me for a while, but it takes time for our minds to wrap our heads around things and really get it. I was finally able to really understand that the defensive systems I have in place, while they may not be great for everything, really have done a great job of protecting me from pain over the years. When I leave therapy I always sit in my car for a few minutes and kind of go over the session in my head. Yesterday, as I did this reflection I found myself thanking all of those defensive systems I have in place for protecting me all these years. They did exactly what I needed because that was the best way I had to cope with things and not allow myself to be hurt over and over again. Some of them keep people out, some of them caused my overeating, some of them were the reason I am so prideful. Those may seem negative, and can be, but they really are what helped me cope over the years. I am going to try daily to thank those pieces of me for doing such a great job but also let them know that it is okay to step aside a bit now and let me feel some of that pain so that I can find healthier ways to cope with things and deal with them rather than avoiding them.

Just writing that makes me breathe a sigh of relief even.

In therapy she tells me that all parts of me are welcome there and are safe. This sounds simple, but it really is hard to get that to sink in. I’ve come a long way in doing that in my sessions with her, but I have further to go and I think yesterday’s session is going to help me keep moving forward with this.

One other thing I realized yesterday is what a big part humiliation plays in my “stuff”. This is the part I am going to really start digging deeper on in my sessions. Most of you that know me may think that I am not easily humiliated – and by general, everyday stuff I’m not. But, there is some much deeper stuff in there. This is what I will work on.

Why am I sharing all of this with you? A couple of reasons. The first being that I find it helpful for me to get these words out. I share a lot online and am not embarrassed by doing so. I still have ultimate control on what I put out there which makes it easier. I’ve shared my weight loss with you all, my struggles in being the wife of someone with bipolar, the mom to someone with bipolar, my own struggles with depression, and I’m sure a few other things over the years. While it may seem a lot for some of you, again I have control on how much I share. Another reason for me to share is the support I get from everyone. It is amazing how much a virtual {{HUGS}} or a message saying simply, “I understand” can feel even over the internet. I love you all so much for being able to do that for me. Finally, the other reason I share is because I know how much it helps when others share experiences they have gone through that I can connect with. It makes me feel not so alone and that I am not the only one dealing with these things. There is strength in this beyond words.

Thank you for taking the time to read my thoughts and listening to my story. I appreciate all of your support and I hope that something I have said can help you in some small way.